In my household these past several weeks, we have been preparing for the transitions that come with heading back to school. My oldest is heading to kindergarten and my middle is going to preschool for the first time. Both girls are excited and getting ready, from having their school supplies packed in their backpacks to having just received their teacher letters in the mail.
Maybe you were able to see my interview on Maranda’s show this past weekend, where I highlighted a few tips that we’re implementing in my home that I think would be helpful for your family too. I wanted to expand a bit on what I mentioned on Maranda’s show. Here are some suggestions for you and your family, if you are sending off your children this school year.
Sending a child off to Kindergarten can be exciting and nerve racking for many parents. Our Pine Rest blogger and clinical social worker, Kristin Kuiper, has some words of advice for parents.
I receive a lot of questions from parents of middle school and high school age children about ADD/ADHD. Some parents are exploring diagnosis, and some are working on helping their child manage this disorder. Sometimes children are off of their meds for the summer—which should only be pursued with your doctor involved. They are taking a “holiday” from medications—and the result is that families are really seeing the impact that this ADD has–not only on their children but on their family.
As the school year approaches, parents and doctors work together again to determine what will set their child up for success in the classroom—I often meet with parents during this time of strategizing. I am privileged to be apart of these conversations and want to pass along some tips for recognizing ADD/ADHD and also some recommendations for parents of children who have been diagnosed.
Your colleague says: “You did an okay job with last week’s presentation.”
Your mother-in-law says: “Your house is clean enough but could use some attention to detail.”
Your partner says: “The meal you made tonight? It was alright.”
You tell yourself: “Parenting—hmmm…why can’t I get it together (seems like everyone else can)?”
Your supervisor says: “Job performance? Yep, you are meeting expectations.”
What do these statements bring out in you? Pride and satisfaction? Or, are you like me and recognize that there are some feelings of disappointment and guilt that, if you heard any of these statements, would be there if you were really being honest with yourself? I think it is safe to say, that striving for mediocrity is not on many people’s list of lifetime goals.
The truth is that there is such a drive in today’s culture to ‘have it all and have it all at once.’ We walk around believing and telling ourselves that we are “less than” if we don’t measure up to this impossible standard—to have everything in order, perfectly, all the time. Some personality styles adhere to this more than others, but I think that it is pretty clear that we are all affected in some way or another by unrealistic expectations…that others have of us or that we have of ourselves.
Have you ever experienced a problem that has you end up feeling trapped, like there is no way out? Do you end up stewing, thinking about, and focusing on this struggle from day to day, leaving you feeling even more discouraged? Maybe you feel trapped in your job, experience frustration and misunderstanding in a relationship, or are upset at yourself for gaining some pounds over the past couple of years. Perhaps it’s just that the summer and change in routine has you spinning. Do you feel disorganized, depressed, overwhelmed?
I know how easy it is to focus on these concerns, to experience thoughts and feelings that consistently come back to the struggle you are experiencing. The focus is on the problem…day after day…this in itself can be overwhelming and discouraging.
“Don’t be scared, just jump in!” said the swimming instructor to my 6 year old daughter, who nervously wrung her hands, her lip quivering. Hmmm…these words haven’t quite accomplished the magic that her teacher has hoped for this past week. The last week has been full of early morning lessons, lots of tears (my daughter’s that is), and lots of hugs. It’s been a different kind of week around my house, to say the least.
Some types of personalities don’t tend toward taking risks, or just “jumping into the pool”. You probably know if this is you. You like to play it safe, even down to ordering the same tasty entrée off the menu at your favorite restaurant each time you go. There is some genetic contribution to this –so thank your mom and dad! But, if you are wanting to open yourself up to taking some risks, be encouraged to know that there are some aspects of this that are within your control. Often we create our own barriers to risk taking—letting certain fears or “what if’s” crowd out our desires and goals. We might hold on to our need for security and predictability or hold the belief that change is impossible, when the truth is that change just requires some openness to the unknown and a willingness to stumble along the way.
Each week we have great organizations who join us at our Park Parties. Some of those who came out to Kalamazoo include the Kalamazoo Nature Center, Van Andel Institute and Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services.
I was perusing the magazine area of Barnes and Noble the other day, which I consider to be quite a treat. On a hot summer afternoon, I can think of few things that are as relaxing for me as some down time at a bookstore, drinking iced coffee, with no particular agenda in mind. While I was there, I picked up the most recent issue of Psychology Today, which included an article on developing a happy and healthy family. The article listed several suggestions that, when present, can lead to greater family satisfaction, where each member feels a sense of security and significance within the family.
Some of these suggestions are ones we’ve all heard before, but still get at the heart of what builds family bonds and togetherness. Some ideas included sharing family meals, which provide opportunity for conversation and even problem solving together. Another suggestion was building rituals and routines together, including simple rituals such as having pancakes on Saturday mornings, or always singing the same song to your little ones before bed. Also emphasized was having fun and laughing together.
Maranda’s Park Parties are in full swing for the summer! It is so awesome to experience our local communities working together to provide a great time for kids and families. I think that this is such a wonderful illustration of the power of community—how working together with others can be satisfying and enriching, and make such a positive impact.
One of the activities at some of the parties this year is the Pine Rest ropes course—children are getting harnessed, climbing, relying on the support of the person holding the ropes, putting their strength and confidence to good use as they climb. I’ve observed many children and teens, even adults, take part in ropes and climbing courses over my years of being involved in team building activities. I am consistently amazed at how people thrive and complete the task ahead of them with the support of others around them. These activities, although they seem to be focused on fun, can actually be affirming to a person’s sense of self esteem and trust in others.
Where do your thoughts and feelings lead when you think of your own sense of self esteem and your ability to trust others? Do you take some risks and open yourself up to being open with and supported by others? Research shows that when people experience depression, anxiety, and stress, an important factor in recovery is an active support system.
Two tips that I discovered a while back have really been helpful for me in my own relationships and in my work with individuals and families. Since we’ve started this conversation about communication, it’s timely for me to pass these tips along to you!
Some of the latest information by a leading researcher on relationships suggests that there are two factors that influence the success of conversations in relationships. His research focused on marriages, but these concepts are ones you can also keep in mind when you are communicating with family members and friends. This is how change and growth can happen in your relationships, starting with you.
1. Soft start up- How do you bring up a concern, a feeling, or a question to others? Do you blindside them with anger? Do you get so frustrated that it leaks out of you at the worst times? Are you sarcastic or critical? If so, a soft start up is something you might want to consider. A soft start up simply means that you bring your requests, needs, desires, and concerns to others in a way that is not full of criticism and blaming, but of respectfulness and honesty. Think—calm, cool, collected.
2. Allow yourself to be influenced- If we were honest with ourselves, I think most of us would admit that we want to be right most of the time. It’s tough to recognize that we each have a lot to learn, and there are times when we develop an opinion or reach a conclusion without having the full story. To allow yourself to be influenced means to work on our tendency to be defensive in our conversations, to recognize we each have our ‘blind spots.’ This also means that there could be something we could learn from another person’s perspective on the situation—a perspective that might even have the potential to change our own. Try it sometime!
It’s my hope that these tips will be helpful to you—I’d love to hear your thoughts and efforts with them!
For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org
In my household these past several weeks, we have been preparing for the transitions that come with heading back to school. My oldest is heading to kindergarten and my middle is going to preschool for the first time. Both girls are excited and getting ready, from having their school supplies packed in their backpacks to having just received their teacher letters in the mail.
“Don’t be scared, just jump in!” said the swimming instructor to my 6 year old daughter, who nervously wrung her hands, her lip quivering. Hmmm…these words haven’t quite accomplished the magic that her teacher has hoped for this past week. The last week has been full of early morning lessons, lots of tears (my daughter’s that is), and lots of hugs. It’s been a different kind of week around my house, to say the least.
