How are your resolutions coming along? Even though we’re still hanging on to January, it can be difficult to maintain momentum at this point in the year. The routine has started again, the stresses have returned. Winter has now arrived, so we often end up just wanting to do what is comfortable and familiar.

I’m sure many of you have set goals about improving fitness and exercising more frequently. Perhaps your body is something that brings negative thoughts to mind and you want that to change. Dieting and diet related products are a forty billion dollar a year industry—this speaks loudly to the truth that you are not alone—many people want their bodies to change!

It is very easy to be critical of ourselves–especially when we’ve set goals that aren’t turning out the way we had hoped. Thoughts of “I’m failing at this too” or “I knew that I would mess up, what’s my problem” start to take over the adrenaline and motivation we were experiencing a couple of weeks ago.

I want to encourage you to re-focus. Not just by doing more, by checking off that daily workout on your to do list, but by focusing on what is going on inside of you. Allow yourself to tune in to the chatter inside of your mind. Take a moment to ask yourself if the way that you talk to yourself is helpful and encouraging—to you and to others. When we are self critical, we often become more critical of others.

Attempting to re-focus might look something like this…if a typical thought of yours in response to a recently set goal is “I knew I wouldn’t be able to do this, why am I even trying,” attempt to put the feeling that underlies that comment into a statement that is self affirming and motivating. This could include statements like “This is hard, and I am learning how to be determined.” Another example could be “The effort put into this change is helping me become a stronger person.” Getting away from self criticism can be one of the first steps at becoming successful with the goals we set for ourselves.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

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2012 has arrived—can you believe it? For most, the parties are over, the gifts unwrapped, school has begun. I’m enjoying hearing my clients reflect on the past year —listening to them share how they are growing and how they are working to overcome the obstacles they face in their lives.  Being a goal setter myself, I look forward to carving out new ways to focus my time and energy this year. A lot of the goals that I’m hearing about lately have to do with body image, with friendships and family relationships, and with work and career. As I’m listening to people develop goals there are several things that consistently come to mind when I think of setting yourself up for success in working towards something that is important to you. I encourage you to keep these things in mind as you begin this new year.

1. When you set a goal, it’s helpful to focus on the process, not just the goal itself. For example, if you are trying to get into better physical shape, focusing on steps like “I’m going to work out three times per week” or “I’m going to eat one portion of dessert instead of two” can be more easily achieved than “I’m going to lose 20 pounds.”
2. Recognize what is realistic given your stage of life and other commitments. One helpful saying that I heard a long time ago is “You might be able to have it all, just not all at once.” If you are working full time and have teens at home, it might be difficult to accomplish a goal that involves a lot of extra time and energy! If you have an aging parent you are caring for, it may be unrealistic to develop a lot of new friendships over the coming months. If you are going through a very difficult transition, right now might not be the time to quit smoking. When you set goals, be real with yourself and allow for the possibility that the goal might need to be reset along the way.
3. Check in with your values when you are setting goals. It is often more motivating to work towards something when it clearly reflects a value of yours or feels purposeful to you. When you examine ways that you would like to be challenged this coming year, it is helpful to ask yourself how your pursuits line up with your values and beliefs. For example, how does going back to school line up with your broader values of work and purpose? Or, how does beginning a date night with your spouse reflect the importance you put on the strength of your marriage and family? I’m sure you can think of some examples too…

I wish each of you a healthy, safe, and joyful 2012. Even if you aren’t a New Year’s resolution fan, remember that goal setting and personal growth can happen any time of year!

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

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Thanksgiving week is upon is—many travel plans, feasts to savor, some time off from work to enjoy—these are all good things! I am wondering what comes up for you when you think about spending time with family this Thanksgiving—happiness and excitement? Anxiety and dread? Somewhere in between? For many, spending time with family brings to the surface the realities of the challenges relationships can face. I know that this isn’t the most joyous subject to talk about as we are approaching a holiday where we give thanks and express our gratitude. However, it is the truth for a lot of people: relationships can be hard and tight quarters and lots of family members in one space can magnify some of the difficulties.

So, here are some tips of encouragement for you as you enter this week with your family members who might be challenging to spend time around…

• Recognize what is within your control: YOU! Reminding yourself of what is in and out of your control is important so you don’t expend all of your energy trying to change someone else’s behavior. If you are frustrated, take some space. If you are irritated that you are providing a full turkey dinner for a party of 20, request that others each bring a dish. Realizing what you are in control of empowers you and helps you spend your energy in the most useful way.

• Put some structure into all the downtime. What are your plans after the big dinner? For some families, this is time to sit around for many hours, and is often when irritations with each other can surface. Maybe difficult topics of conversation happen or a family member’s habits or patterns begin to take over the time together. Putting a simple structure in place can keep things moving and reduce frustrations that can happen with idle space. For example: after the big dinner, taking a walk together, playing group games or board games, or watching a movie can be ways to engage time well.

• Realize that all emotions are fair game. As people, we experience a broad range of emotions and just because we are getting together with family does not mean we can temporarily get rid of the uncomfortable ones. Going into time with family realizing that you are probably going to experience some negative emotions helps you be prepared and also can help you in having a game plan with how you’ll respond to these emotions. For example, instead of having a full conversation about the political differences between you and your uncle, perhaps you recognize when anxiety about this is surfacing and choose to politely excuse yourself from the conversation. Awareness of your emotions and owning your own responses to these emotions is one of the keys to healthier more satisfying relationships.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org

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When is the last time you have felt worried? When you sent your child off to their first sleepover? When your teen took the car out for the first time last week when it was raining? When you think about your work week and the presentation coming up? When you contemplate the failing health of your parent? Worry is a pretty common emotion for all of us. It is part of the full range of emotions that experience because we are human. But, for some, worry has gone beyond what is considered to be the norm when it comes to emotional health.

An anxiety disorder, or a problem with anxiety that would benefit from additional support and care, is chronic anxiety that persists when you focus on two or more stressful life circumstances. Sometimes, because of these circumstances, anxiety will hang around for a while and then return to what feels more familiar to you. Other times, it just doesn’t go away. Anxiety disorders can develop at any age and can be aggravated by life events. Anxiety is often associated with certain fears: fears of losing control, failure, rejection, or even fears of illness or death.

If you are experiencing at least three of the following six symptoms, it might be time to recognize the effects anxiety is having on you and your relationships, and get the support you need to feel better.

Do you experience:

• Being easily fatigued
• Difficulty concentrating on a task or at work
• Irritability beyond what is considered normal for you
• Muscle tension (this could be in your jaw, shoulders, back, neck)
• Difficulties with sleep (falling asleep or staying asleep)
• Feeling restless

One of the first steps towards getting health is to own the truth of what is going on for you…I challenge you to be honest with yourself today and do just that. And next time, I’ll share some specific strategies for responding to your worry and anxiety. Feel free to comment with questions!

For additional information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org/.

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Halloween is right around the corner! My hope is that you are planning for this weekend, keeping in mind how to keep your children, friends, and family having a fun but safe time. Are you heading out doors to trick or treat? Attending a “fall harvest” party at your church? Going to school or neighborhood events? There is no shortage of fall fun in West Michigan—a delightful season for sure! In my household, we have a princess, a cow, and a bird ready to go!

Holidays are a wonderful time to connect as a family. Building “rituals” of connection are one of the keys to creating and maintaining a strong and healthy bond as a family. A “ritual” is something that each family member can identify as happening when it does and would be able to say that it is something that is predictable, expected, and fosters closeness as a family.

What types of rituals do you hold as a family—on normal days, on holidays, at special events or milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc)? Rituals go beyond just the daily routines, as they are set apart from every day expectations, but they don’t have to be complicated or take a lot of time or money. Rituals can be as simple as having pancakes every Saturday morning, or hanging streamers from the birthday boy or girl’s bedroom door on their special day to celebrate them when they wake up. Part of building a strong, or intentional, family includes thinking about what is important to you and how you might pass these values along to each family member through rituals.

What are your ideas? What rituals do you already hold? Sometimes the most helpful aspect of generating ideas is to share our own experiences with each other.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

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Do you or someone you know:

• Struggle with depression and have difficulty feeling like you can experience joy
• Have ADHD that makes school really difficult
• Have relationship challenges due to bipolar disorder
• Drink too much and your family is concerned
• Have a hard time keeping a job because of anxiety
• Have panic attacks that have affected your ability to work toward your goals

These are just a couple of examples that show how our mental health impacts our daily lives. This week (October 2-8) is Mental Health Awareness Week. Check out this website and find out more about what it means to become educated about mental health as well as what you can do to fight the stigma that comes with mental illness that so often is found in media, among friends, at schools, and in our communities. There is something you can do to create more of a welcoming and caring atmosphere for those who struggle—and this connection and desire to be understood and valued  is at the heart of all of us.

If you (or someone you know) would benefit from support and professional help, in order to improve mental health, please check out http://www.pinerest.org/ to take the first step towards taking care of yourself.

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I talked about secrets in my last blog and received a specific question about how to address the issue of secrets with teenagers. What is a parent to do when it is discovered that your teen, or a teen you know, is keeping a secret about the behavior of a friend or peer from you? How do you get your teen or your tween to share this information with you? This is such a tough call—to report what is going on to someone who can be helpful (think police, school officials, parents of the teen in question) or to keep quiet so that you don’t jeopardize the trust relationship you have with your own child telling you this type of information. I’m sure we all have reference points for this challenge—either we remember when we were teens ourselves, not sharing with mom and dad how friends were drinking over the weekend in fear of being found out as a tattletale, or have encountered this type of scenario with our own children.

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One of my children is in the stage where secret keeping is fun. “Tell me a secret, Mom!” is something she tells me often, and most frequently in order to help her feel like she has a one up on her sister (I think!). Secrets can be fun—anticipating sharing something special can be exciting. I remember when my husband and I held the secret that we were pregnant—it was so wonderful to watch the reactions on our family and friends faces when we shared this. Indeed, secrets reveal varied emotions in us.

In my line of work, I get to hear a lot of people’s secrets—the not so fun and exciting ones–deep, dark, personal things that they might have never voiced to anyone before. For some reason, the safety of knowing that what they share is confidential, and having the time I share with them being somewhat separate from the other parts of their life fosters some of that openness. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it doesn’t happen before someone is finished coming to see me, because it’s just too tough to share. Secrets—most of us have them. Most of us keep them to ourselves.

What I know to be true about secrets is that they can be powerful. They can cause someone to feel a lot of shame inside. Even when not spoken, family secrets can repeat themselves from generation to generation (just taking a look at family history and patterns reveals this). Secrets can make us feel like we aren’t worthy of love, of connection with others. We feel alone and isolated. It’s pretty amazing when a dark secret is released in the safety and trust of a supportive relationship. This can lead to healing, to moving beyond the hold that something like this has on a person.

Do you have a secret? Does it have a hold on you? Would sharing this mean taking a risk that might actually draw you closer to others in your life? Are you someone who could handle hearing the secrets of others—being non judgmental, open, and warm? What might it take for you to move towards this type of risk taking and connection building with others in your life?

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

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 I hope that you all had a wonderful long, lazy 4^th of July weekend! I know I did…in fact, this was the first 4^th of July that my family attended fireworks together. In years past, it has been challenging for my children to stay up so late, or we’ve had a newborn, or being young parents, have been too exhausted to go. But, we had a relaxing time with friends, enjoying cotton candy and talking about which fireworks were our favorite. Over the weekend, we also celebrated my daughter’s 5^th birthday—complete with a castle cake and lots of pink and yellow. The weekend was full of celebrating.

Celebrating like this has gotten me thinking about relationships in our lives. I hear a lot about people’s relationship concerns and frustrations. I know that marriages, parenting, and friendships can be difficult and full of pain. I also know that even in the toughest relationships a critical ingredient towards growth and joy is celebrating the other person. This might look different depending on the type of relationship. For your spouse, this might involve affirming a hobby or noticing through a card or words what you see as positive characteristics in them. For your child, this might mean making them their favorite snack or delighting in a recent milestone or accomplishment rather than staying silent. In a friendship, this might look like encouraging a friend towards a goal of theirs even if you don’t quite understand why that is important to them.

Delighting in others is vital in healthy relationships. It often takes humility as well as grace to extend this to another person, especially when the relationship is in a tough spot. How have you celebrated others that are in your life lately? How might you take a step towards delighting in someone important in your life today?

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

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My husband recently returned from a work related trip out to the east coast. Although his conference was professionally rejuvenating, the return trip home was less than stellar. He got stuck over night in Chicago, had multiple delayed flights, even boarded a flight home and then was told it was canceled and had to get off the plane. So frustrating! Anyways, he ended up driving home from Chicago after the whole flight fiasco, with 3 other travelers who needed to get to Grand Rapids that day. Four people who didn’t know each other, spending 3 hours together—probably all quite tired from travel and frustrated with the trip logistics that were very much out of their control.

The interesting part of all of this was that these four people got to know each other quite well. My husband came back knowing about the lives of three other people, in a lot of detail actually. When I asked him what made the conversations go so well, he said “Well, we all asked each other good questions.”

Asking good questions–open ended questions– is a key part in getting to know some one or nurturing a current relationship. These questions get more than “yes” and “no” answers.  If you think back to a time you were in a social situation that went well, or a conversation that tanked, the presence of open ended questions most likely determined some of that success or failure. Asking questions of another person encourages dialogue, conveys that we are interested in them and not just ourselves, and is also a skill that we can all build if we want to grow our ability to connect well with others.

Some examples of open ended questions that you can practice in a variety of relationships are…

• What kind of day did you have today?
• What brought you to the area?
• How did you become interested in…?
• What are some of your plans for the summer?
• Tell me more about your family…
• What is on your mind?
• Interesting…tell me more how you came to view things that way…

When we ask questions, we invite relationship to happen. People feel understood and quite often will follow their response with a question back to you!

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org

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