Most of us are familiar with bullying in one way or another—maybe you were made fun of as a child and those memories come to mind when you hear about mean things said to your own child at school. Perhaps you are a teacher and wonder how and when to intervene with student behavior. Or, maybe an important child in your life is struggling with not wanting to go to school because of what they fear they will face. It is clear that bullying is a problem, a problem that is getting national attention. Michigan’s anti-bullying law goes into effect this month, which has brought refreshed attention to this concern. Many schools are providing education to teachers and students about prevention and intervention.

It is heart breaking when clients share with me how they have been intentionally tormented or hurt by their peers. It damages self esteem, affects school performance, and provides many challenges for victims of bullying throughout their lives.

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Around this time of year, I hear a lot of “gimmies.” At home, I see my children creating their Christmas wish lists, thinking of the toys and games that they want so badly. In the office, I hear about families figuring out how they will get through this season without breaking the bank, or the stress of all the parties and entertaining, or the challenges dealing with children who don’t seem to be satisfied with any gift, always wanting more or something different. We become very accustomed to this way of being in this season—in fact, you might be reading this saying to yourself, “yeah, and so what? That’s just the way it is.”

The truth is, it is very easy to slip into selfishness this time of year. Thoughts of “what do I want?” become more and more common and without realizing, become woven into the fabric of family life. There is a way to move beyond this line of thinking, to model to our children and have part of our family life involve being focused on others, rather than just ourselves. Encouraging our children to become involved in the community, in a cause, in a relationship with others who have real and tangible needs is a way to move towards becoming others focused, rather than “me focused.” Our culture doesn’t really encourage us in this way—the messages of “buy me” and “satisfy yourself” are absolutely everywhere. We absorb these messages with rarely a second thought.

So, getting children involved in community service opportunities is a way to even out the off balance thinking and acting that we might default towards this season. Doing so as a family has the most powerful, long term effects and also creates the most positive perspective for children around the issue of giving. There are opportunities all around that we can see if we are attuned to them: gift baskets you can put together as a family, children that you can “sponsor” financially through reputable organizations, meals that you can serve to people who would otherwise have not, etc etc etc.

Check out “Where you Live” this weekend, as Maranda will highlight even more ways that families can move from “me” to “us and others” this holiday season.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org

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When is the last time you have felt worried? When you sent your child off to their first sleepover? When your teen took the car out for the first time last week when it was raining? When you think about your work week and the presentation coming up? When you contemplate the failing health of your parent? Worry is a pretty common emotion for all of us. It is part of the full range of emotions that experience because we are human. But, for some, worry has gone beyond what is considered to be the norm when it comes to emotional health.

An anxiety disorder, or a problem with anxiety that would benefit from additional support and care, is chronic anxiety that persists when you focus on two or more stressful life circumstances. Sometimes, because of these circumstances, anxiety will hang around for a while and then return to what feels more familiar to you. Other times, it just doesn’t go away. Anxiety disorders can develop at any age and can be aggravated by life events. Anxiety is often associated with certain fears: fears of losing control, failure, rejection, or even fears of illness or death.

If you are experiencing at least three of the following six symptoms, it might be time to recognize the effects anxiety is having on you and your relationships, and get the support you need to feel better.

Do you experience:

• Being easily fatigued
• Difficulty concentrating on a task or at work
• Irritability beyond what is considered normal for you
• Muscle tension (this could be in your jaw, shoulders, back, neck)
• Difficulties with sleep (falling asleep or staying asleep)
• Feeling restless

One of the first steps towards getting health is to own the truth of what is going on for you…I challenge you to be honest with yourself today and do just that. And next time, I’ll share some specific strategies for responding to your worry and anxiety. Feel free to comment with questions!

For additional information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org/.

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Halloween is right around the corner! My hope is that you are planning for this weekend, keeping in mind how to keep your children, friends, and family having a fun but safe time. Are you heading out doors to trick or treat? Attending a “fall harvest” party at your church? Going to school or neighborhood events? There is no shortage of fall fun in West Michigan—a delightful season for sure! In my household, we have a princess, a cow, and a bird ready to go!

Holidays are a wonderful time to connect as a family. Building “rituals” of connection are one of the keys to creating and maintaining a strong and healthy bond as a family. A “ritual” is something that each family member can identify as happening when it does and would be able to say that it is something that is predictable, expected, and fosters closeness as a family.

What types of rituals do you hold as a family—on normal days, on holidays, at special events or milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc)? Rituals go beyond just the daily routines, as they are set apart from every day expectations, but they don’t have to be complicated or take a lot of time or money. Rituals can be as simple as having pancakes every Saturday morning, or hanging streamers from the birthday boy or girl’s bedroom door on their special day to celebrate them when they wake up. Part of building a strong, or intentional, family includes thinking about what is important to you and how you might pass these values along to each family member through rituals.

What are your ideas? What rituals do you already hold? Sometimes the most helpful aspect of generating ideas is to share our own experiences with each other.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

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One of my children is in the stage where secret keeping is fun. “Tell me a secret, Mom!” is something she tells me often, and most frequently in order to help her feel like she has a one up on her sister (I think!). Secrets can be fun—anticipating sharing something special can be exciting. I remember when my husband and I held the secret that we were pregnant—it was so wonderful to watch the reactions on our family and friends faces when we shared this. Indeed, secrets reveal varied emotions in us.

In my line of work, I get to hear a lot of people’s secrets—the not so fun and exciting ones–deep, dark, personal things that they might have never voiced to anyone before. For some reason, the safety of knowing that what they share is confidential, and having the time I share with them being somewhat separate from the other parts of their life fosters some of that openness. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it doesn’t happen before someone is finished coming to see me, because it’s just too tough to share. Secrets—most of us have them. Most of us keep them to ourselves.

What I know to be true about secrets is that they can be powerful. They can cause someone to feel a lot of shame inside. Even when not spoken, family secrets can repeat themselves from generation to generation (just taking a look at family history and patterns reveals this). Secrets can make us feel like we aren’t worthy of love, of connection with others. We feel alone and isolated. It’s pretty amazing when a dark secret is released in the safety and trust of a supportive relationship. This can lead to healing, to moving beyond the hold that something like this has on a person.

Do you have a secret? Does it have a hold on you? Would sharing this mean taking a risk that might actually draw you closer to others in your life? Are you someone who could handle hearing the secrets of others—being non judgmental, open, and warm? What might it take for you to move towards this type of risk taking and connection building with others in your life?

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

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I know that most of us are not ready to hear the phase “Back to School” quite yet. There is still beach weather to enjoy, maybe even a last vacation to take before the routine and early mornings begin again. For some families on balanced school calendars, your week is now here. For others, there are several last weeks of summer to savor.

Recently, I had someone ask me what I see as a common misperception about heading back to school and making the family adjustments that come with this change. I want to pass along to you something that I see often that can be challenging for parents and children and will probably come up for many of you as school begins again.

Because our children are dependent on us, parents play a huge role in getting children prepared for school—the supply shopping, the filling out of numerous forms, the clarification and enforcement of bed times and wakeups, the transport to and from the increasing amount of sports practices and social activities, and more. All of this is to be expected and very much needed—however, one area that I see parents taking too much responsibility for is their children’s emotions. When our children are anxious, sad, frustrated, worried, or angry, it might feel instinctual to try and take these emotions away from our children. Sometimes we might even take on their emotions and realize how much our mood shifts with our children’s.

Although it may be difficult, I want to challenge you toward being in relationship with your child through hard emotions and transitions, rather than trying to take away the difficult things they feel or face. Building relationship with your child through challenges and adjustments looks like spending quality time together, asking questions like “what else are you experiencing?” or “what does that feel like?” and holding back tendencies to solve problems or reassure them that everything will be okay. Offer to help brainstorm ideas or solutions rather than offering a pat answer. Building relationship in this way helps them build security and trust in you and also helps them learn to problem solve and trust themselves.

For more information on behavioral health issues or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org

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With all of the events in the news lately, and I’m specifically referring to the tragedy in Grand Rapids on July 7, many parents are wondering how to respond to what is happening as they parent their children. If you are a parent, perhaps you are glued to the television for the most up to date information and your child has heard bits and pieces of the story. Perhaps after playing with friends, your child comes home with questions or new fears are expresses because this tragedy hit so close to home. Maybe your anxiety has heightened and your child, however young, feels your worry.

 It can be very difficult as a parent to know how to share with our children the sad realities of the world we live in. There is so much brokenness that we see on a regular basis. Our instincts to protect them kick in at times like this. But with the availability of media, social networking, and 24/7 news cycles, parents are often left with questions of what protecting our children actually looks like in our culture today.

 There are a couple of tips that I want to encourage you to implement at home. Taking advantage of these recommendations will help your home and the relationships you have with your children be a safe place, a refuge, from everything that is going on around them.

• Keep routines intact—when challenges arise in the family or in the community, keep the home routines going to the greatest extent possible. By routines, I mean mealtimes, wakeup/bedtime rituals, family connection rituals, etc.
• Heighten your awareness of emotional and behavioral changes in your children—unlike adults, children don’t express fear and anxiety with words. However, you may notice more acting out, aggressive behavior or withdrawal, or even physical symptoms like stomach aches or low appetite and energy. Recognizing these changes will help you understand if your child might be struggling with what is going on around them.
• Simplify “screen time”- children, especially when young, are very concrete thinkers. This means that when children are exposed to things such as news programs, they are not able to recognize that the events shown are not happening over and over again, each time they are shown. They are not able to understand that where these events have occurred is not directly near them. Cutting down when and where the TV is on and filtering what images they see or read online is important.
• Nurture a low stress home- When children experience stress, they are less able to learn and trust, and connect with others (the hormone cortisol is to blame for this). Children absorb their parents’ emotions. So, taking care of yourself at times like this is critical—recognizing what you might be unintentionally passing along to your child will help you parent well.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

This blog, in an abbreviated and edited version, was originally posted in January 2011 in response to the tragedy in Tucson. It is unfortunate that we have to revisit this information again.

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The end of the school year is fast approaching! In my household, I have one child wrapping up preschool this week and another finishing kindergarten next week. And then…3 kids at home…all day…for the whole summer. This lays a pretty ripe foundation for a whole lot of sibling competition and arguing, not a lot of structure, and a house that is always a mess of sand, dirt, and paper creations. For me, being a Type A–I like structure–I don’t like mess type of person, just the anticipation of this has been enough for me to feel the anxiety creep in these last couple of weeks.

At home, my husband and I are trying to come up with some age appropriate systems for getting household responsibilities done each day, for keeping the house somewhat kept together, and to give incentives for positive sibling interaction, not to mention add some semblance of structure to the day to keep us all sane. And a bonus would be to curb the “I’m hungry I need a snack” comments that I hear almost every hour from my four and a half year old, which usually equals “I’m not hungry” at suppertime! I’ve had conversations with friends, have read some idea books, and have checked out blogs on these topics and have found that there is a wealth of information out there when it comes to summer survival!

Our culture certainly reinforces this notion that we have to figure it out all on our own—individualism is viewed as a strength. Our neighbors, who just returned from 5 months in Ghana, have helped me understand in describing their experiences, that other cultures view parenthood and child rearing as a communal activity—which decreases the “I’m so alone in all of these struggles” mentality that often invades our thinking when challenges arise.

So, I’m looking for best practices that you have found to be successful in your family. Or maybe you’ve found out through experimentation what doesn’t work—I’d like to know that too! Instead of reinventing the wheel let’s draw some ideas from each other because we’re all in this together!

For more information on behavioral health issues or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org

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Many parents that I see are frustrated that their children are so selfish. Always texting. Never wanting to eat supper with the family. Yelling “me first” so often it makes your head spin. Spending excessive amounts of time in the bathroom. Wanting more clothes or more drive time. The truth is, developmentally, children are very egocentric. They think about themselves a lot, if not most of the time. Really, their worlds revolve around them.

For parents who want to nurture the value of altruism in their children, this reality can be frustrating. We want our children to desire to give to others, we don’t want to have to make them do this, which can take the joy out of giving and seems to create one more thing for us to nag about, right?

There really isn’t any magical way to create or nurture this value, but what we do know is that children learn best through consistency, role modeling, and hands on experiences. In my last blog I talked about keeping our own social networking habits in check as we model to our children what a healthy relationship with technology looks like…and it is the same with service.

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If you’re reading this, chances are pretty good that you were made aware of this blog by Facebook. It’s become standard language to most—“I saw that on Facebook.”, or “Her status said her surgery went well”, even “They had their baby–I saw the pictures on Facebook”.

I’ve worked with clients who’ve friend requested me (which I don’t accept, just because of the nature of my relationship with them), who have had affairs that began on Facebook, who have been bullied on Facebook, even those who have decided to deactivate their accounts because of problems they’ve encountered on Facebook. It’s really becoming quite a fascinating part of our culture today.

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