Before you and your partner even BEGIN to get into another argument or heated “discussion” about the checkbook, I want to encourage you to keep a few things in mind that might be helpful in getting you heard and in reaching some understanding and compromise around challenging money issues.

When you think about discussing a tough topic, like finances, think about how you are working to “secure the environment” of the conversation. In other words, really pay attention to how you are contributing to dynamics that make these kinds of conversations so difficult. Are you being defensive? Are you criticizing your spouse? Do you shut down when the same issues come up over and over again? These contributions to difficult conversations are ones that you have some control over.

Instead of resorting to these common ways of trying to get your points across in conversation, ask yourself, “What is my real dream here that I could communicate?” or another way of asking the same question is “What conversation could I be having about something that I am desiring instead of having this current argument?”

Case in point: I worked with a couple recently in which one spouse was very excited about starting his own business and was ready to cash out his 401K and sell valuable items to fund the start up. His wife panicked at this thought and refused to support his efforts. He felt criticized and became distant. In this type of situation, what we focused on was identifying the “dreams” present. She desired and dreamed of a secure financial future. He dreamed and desired adventure and the freedom from a corporate setting. When they identified their desires, we were able to come to some understanding of how they might love each other well and support each other’s dreams amidst this decision. They are still working this out, but are working toward compromise and find that they feel like they are on the same team now.

When you think of the rough spots in your conversations about money with your partner, is there a consistent dream or desire that is present for you–something you imagine for yourself in the present or the future? Is there a way you could communicate this dream that might increase understanding and conversation in your relationship, rather than conflict?

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

1.  Create a budget for ONLY absolute necessities like bills, groceries and gas.  If you already have a grocery budget, stick to your normal numbers.

2.  No shopping for clothes or shoes.  This will help you learn to make the best use of what you already own and stop buying things that are a “good deal,” but that you don’t really need.

3.  No eating out and no gourmet coffees.  This will means packing lunches for work and making meals at home each night.  Eating out and quick trips to Starbucks are big budget eaters.

4.  Going on a date?  That means no paid babysitters and no paid activities.  This will give you the chance to do something creative and romantic.  Try swapping babysitting duties with friends and go for a walk or pack a picnic in the park.

5.  Get the kids on board.  Explain what you’re doing and why.  It can be as simple as “we’re not going to eat out, and no buying toys, movies or games during the spending fast.”  You’ll be amazed at how quickly you can get them on board.

In that one-month window you’ll be amazed how quickly you can save money and get your finances back on track!

• Remember that kids live in a black and white world.  It’s a common reaction for people to joke about their economic predicament.  Unfortunately, kids don’t often understand the difference
  between a joke and reality and may literally think your family will end up on the streets even though you mean it in jest.
• Be honest.  Give your children a basic understanding of your financial situation, but only provide them the amount of information appropriate for their age.  Reassure them that while you may need to cut back in places, you’ll still be able to provide for their needs.
• Add context to financial conversations.  Showing older kids your monthly bills can help them gain a better understanding of your situation and identify ways they can contribute.  Seeing the actual bills and how you pay them is a good way to bring financial discussions to life.

• Allow your kids to help. Doing so gives your children some sense of control of the family’s situation. Encourage your kids to help you find ways to cut costs or possibly save money. 
• Use this as an opportunity to teach.  If asked how much something costs, don’t take the easy way out by saying, “a lot” or “too much.”  Go a step further and teach your kids the importance of money by illustrating how much allowance must be saved or hours worked to purchase what they want. 
• Give kids a chance to manage money.  A great way to build your children’s financial foundation is to open savings accounts in their name. They’ll be able to see the value of savings as the account grows and will feel empowered by contributing to and managing the account.
• Set a good example.  If you’re doing a good job taking care of yourself
  and managing stress, chances are your kids will too.

Tip #1
Create play money with your kids and play grocery store.  Give them a budget and see who can buy the most with their money.  This teaches them the value of a dollar.

Tip #2
Make a life map together.  Have your children cut out pictures of things they see in their future.  This might include college, buying a house or career goals.  Talk about the money that it will take to accomplish these things.

Tip #3
Play needs, wants and wishes.  Talk to your children about the differences in each of these categories.  This helps provide a good foundation for spending decisions.

Tip #4
Give your children options when it comes to play.  Explain how things like going to a movie cost money, versus playing outside which is free.  Let them know that having fun together doesn’t always have to cost money.

Here are a few tips to get you started:
 
1. Teach children the differences between needs and wants.  They need food.  They want a new toy.  You need to work to provide money for the family; you want to go on a family vacation.  This basic concept will prepare them for making good spending decisions in the future.
 
2. Create a chart for each child and decide together how their money will be used.  A percent should be saved, a percent should be spent, and a percent should be given away to charity or church.  Help them make most decisions, but also allow them to make some spending decisions on their own.  Whether good or poor, they will learn from their spending choices. You can then have an open discussion of spending pros and cons before more spending takes place.
 
3. When giving children an allowance, give them the money in denominations that encourage saving.  If the amount is $5, give them five $1 bills.  This will help them easily follow the chart you have created together.

 
4.  Take children to the bank to open their own savings account. Beginning the regular savings habit early is one of the keys to savings success.  This account will also introduce children to the value of saving versus spending.  Some parents even offer to match what children save on their own to help the account grow.

5.  Set goals and encourage your kids to reach them.  Remember that setting goals is fundamental to learning the value of money and saving. If they ask you for a toy, help them save money and buy it themsevlves.  You can also use this as an oporutnity to teach kids about the negative effects of credit and being in debt by only allowing children to pay cash for the items they want and need.  Explain to them that being in debt means you have to work more to pay the money you owe.
 
Most importantly, talk to them often about finances every chance you get.  Every trip to the grocery store or bank can be used as an opportunity to help give them a great financial foundation.  These are five tips to give your kids a good financial foundation without breaking the bank!