So, here are some tips of encouragement for you as you enter this week with your family members who might be challenging to spend time around…

• Recognize what is within your control: YOU! Reminding yourself of what is in and out of your control is important so you don’t expend all of your energy trying to change someone else’s behavior. If you are frustrated, take some space. If you are irritated that you are providing a full turkey dinner for a party of 20, request that others each bring a dish. Realizing what you are in control of empowers you and helps you spend your energy in the most useful way.

• Put some structure into all the downtime. What are your plans after the big dinner? For some families, this is time to sit around for many hours, and is often when irritations with each other can surface. Maybe difficult topics of conversation happen or a family member’s habits or patterns begin to take over the time together. Putting a simple structure in place can keep things moving and reduce frustrations that can happen with idle space. For example: after the big dinner, taking a walk together, playing group games or board games, or watching a movie can be ways to engage time well.

• Realize that all emotions are fair game. As people, we experience a broad range of emotions and just because we are getting together with family does not mean we can temporarily get rid of the uncomfortable ones. Going into time with family realizing that you are probably going to experience some negative emotions helps you be prepared and also can help you in having a game plan with how you’ll respond to these emotions. For example, instead of having a full conversation about the political differences between you and your uncle, perhaps you recognize when anxiety about this is surfacing and choose to politely excuse yourself from the conversation. Awareness of your emotions and owning your own responses to these emotions is one of the keys to healthier more satisfying relationships.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org

Holidays are a wonderful time to connect as a family. Building “rituals” of connection are one of the keys to creating and maintaining a strong and healthy bond as a family. A “ritual” is something that each family member can identify as happening when it does and would be able to say that it is something that is predictable, expected, and fosters closeness as a family.

What types of rituals do you hold as a family—on normal days, on holidays, at special events or milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc)? Rituals go beyond just the daily routines, as they are set apart from every day expectations, but they don’t have to be complicated or take a lot of time or money. Rituals can be as simple as having pancakes every Saturday morning, or hanging streamers from the birthday boy or girl’s bedroom door on their special day to celebrate them when they wake up. Part of building a strong, or intentional, family includes thinking about what is important to you and how you might pass these values along to each family member through rituals.

What are your ideas? What rituals do you already hold? Sometimes the most helpful aspect of generating ideas is to share our own experiences with each other.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

There definitely is a code of secrecy among teen peers. To be discovered as someone who passes along sensitive information to their own parents is one of the worst things imaginable for any teen. Due to their developmental stage, putting priorities in order of safety first, relationship second, is almost impossible. Encouraging your teen to be open with you and share sensitive information is not a one conversation situation. Opening dialogue into difficult topics is something that takes patience and consistency. Teens can smell a “nosey” parent a mile away and usually will try to keep that distance permanent!

So, to open up this dialogue there a couple of things to remember. First, teens talk when they want to, not only when you are ready for them to! Avoiding investigative type questions that puts pressure on them to divulge will do the opposite of what you are hoping for. Instead, opening up time—drive time, around the kitchen time, hanging out watching TV time, where you can ask open ended questions (“How’s your friend doing?” or “I heard that your friend is having some issues, what have you heard?”) to see what your child is comfortable sharing is a good place to start. If your teen seems closed off, it’s a pretty good signal that some more time for this type of dialogue is necessary so that you can gain a footing of what’s going on in their inner world. Also, showing them through experience that they can trust you with sensitive information is also helpful. Are you an effective secret keeper? Working on this is also a good place to start. At lastly, I encourage contact with your teen’s social circles. Even if this means doing things you don’t particular enjoy—getting into their environment is a crucial way to know who’s who and to discover more of who you teen is when they are with their friends. As you get to know the secrets your teen holds, you build relationship with them and also come to a greater understanding of when it might be called for to take action in keeping others in your teen’s life safe.

For more information on behavioral health issues or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org/.

I remember reading somewhere a long time ago about something that I now often integrate into my work with clients and also make use of in my own life. Often we think that in order to behave differently, or to make different choices in life, we have to feel different first. For example, if I want to spend more quality time with my child, I need to wait for that warm loving feeling before I can expect myself to pursue time with her. The truth is, attitudes and feelings often follow behaviors (which turns our original assumption inside out!).

For example, if I want to feel warm and loving toward my child, it might take me spending intentional quality time with her in order for those feelings to well up inside of me. Think about how this can apply to a variety of our life situations—our marriages, workplaces, community connections, etc. I think that the gratitude challenge that I see people engaging in supports this idea even more.

What are you thankful for today, this month, or this season? When you think about this, how does it affect your current emotions?

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

I was perusing the magazine area of Barnes and Noble the other day, which I consider to be quite a treat. On a hot summer afternoon, I can think of few things that are as relaxing for me as some down time at a bookstore, drinking iced coffee, with no particular agenda in mind. While I was there, I picked up the most recent issue of Psychology Today, which included an article on developing a happy and healthy family. The article listed several suggestions that, when  present, can lead to greater family satisfaction, where each member feels a sense of security and significance within the family.

Some of these suggestions are ones we’ve all heard before, but still get at the heart of what builds family bonds and togetherness. Some ideas included sharing family meals, which provide opportunity for conversation and even problem solving together. Another suggestion was building rituals and routines together, including simple rituals such as having pancakes on Saturday mornings, or always singing the same song to your little ones before bed. Also emphasized was having fun and laughing together.

Every now and again, it can be helpful to take your family’s “temperature”—to ask yourself and members of your family, “how are we doing?” and “how are we nurturing our relationships together?” or even “what are our goals and values as a family and how are we making these real on a daily basis?” Maybe your family is right on target (a solid 98.6 degrees!) or would benefit from some extra TLC.  The discussions that can follow these types of questions can be affirming or give some direction in ways that your family can become healthier and happier together.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

So, what about your family—think about either the one you are raising or the one you came from. What specifically nurtures or nurtured your sense of togetherness and closeness? Feel free to pass along these ideas as you take your own family’s temperature.