Thanksgiving week is upon is—many travel plans, feasts to savor, some time off from work to enjoy—these are all good things! I am wondering what comes up for you when you think about spending time with family this Thanksgiving—happiness and excitement? Anxiety and dread? Somewhere in between? For many, spending time with family brings to the surface the realities of the challenges relationships can face. I know that this isn’t the most joyous subject to talk about as we are approaching a holiday where we give thanks and express our gratitude. However, it is the truth for a lot of people: relationships can be hard and tight quarters and lots of family members in one space can magnify some of the difficulties.

So, here are some tips of encouragement for you as you enter this week with your family members who might be challenging to spend time around…

• Recognize what is within your control: YOU! Reminding yourself of what is in and out of your control is important so you don’t expend all of your energy trying to change someone else’s behavior. If you are frustrated, take some space. If you are irritated that you are providing a full turkey dinner for a party of 20, request that others each bring a dish. Realizing what you are in control of empowers you and helps you spend your energy in the most useful way.

• Put some structure into all the downtime. What are your plans after the big dinner? For some families, this is time to sit around for many hours, and is often when irritations with each other can surface. Maybe difficult topics of conversation happen or a family member’s habits or patterns begin to take over the time together. Putting a simple structure in place can keep things moving and reduce frustrations that can happen with idle space. For example: after the big dinner, taking a walk together, playing group games or board games, or watching a movie can be ways to engage time well.

• Realize that all emotions are fair game. As people, we experience a broad range of emotions and just because we are getting together with family does not mean we can temporarily get rid of the uncomfortable ones. Going into time with family realizing that you are probably going to experience some negative emotions helps you be prepared and also can help you in having a game plan with how you’ll respond to these emotions. For example, instead of having a full conversation about the political differences between you and your uncle, perhaps you recognize when anxiety about this is surfacing and choose to politely excuse yourself from the conversation. Awareness of your emotions and owning your own responses to these emotions is one of the keys to healthier more satisfying relationships.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org

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Halloween is right around the corner! My hope is that you are planning for this weekend, keeping in mind how to keep your children, friends, and family having a fun but safe time. Are you heading out doors to trick or treat? Attending a “fall harvest” party at your church? Going to school or neighborhood events? There is no shortage of fall fun in West Michigan—a delightful season for sure! In my household, we have a princess, a cow, and a bird ready to go!

Holidays are a wonderful time to connect as a family. Building “rituals” of connection are one of the keys to creating and maintaining a strong and healthy bond as a family. A “ritual” is something that each family member can identify as happening when it does and would be able to say that it is something that is predictable, expected, and fosters closeness as a family.

What types of rituals do you hold as a family—on normal days, on holidays, at special events or milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc)? Rituals go beyond just the daily routines, as they are set apart from every day expectations, but they don’t have to be complicated or take a lot of time or money. Rituals can be as simple as having pancakes every Saturday morning, or hanging streamers from the birthday boy or girl’s bedroom door on their special day to celebrate them when they wake up. Part of building a strong, or intentional, family includes thinking about what is important to you and how you might pass these values along to each family member through rituals.

What are your ideas? What rituals do you already hold? Sometimes the most helpful aspect of generating ideas is to share our own experiences with each other.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

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I talked about secrets in my last blog and received a specific question about how to address the issue of secrets with teenagers. What is a parent to do when it is discovered that your teen, or a teen you know, is keeping a secret about the behavior of a friend or peer from you? How do you get your teen or your tween to share this information with you? This is such a tough call—to report what is going on to someone who can be helpful (think police, school officials, parents of the teen in question) or to keep quiet so that you don’t jeopardize the trust relationship you have with your own child telling you this type of information. I’m sure we all have reference points for this challenge—either we remember when we were teens ourselves, not sharing with mom and dad how friends were drinking over the weekend in fear of being found out as a tattletale, or have encountered this type of scenario with our own children.

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With this holiday approaching next week, I’ve heard the word “gratitude” coming up more frequently around me—in friendships, at work, and believe it or not, on facebook. I’ve noticed that several ‘friends’ of mine on facebook are taking a 30 day gratitude challenge—each day of November, noting something that they are thankful for. I think that this can be a helpful exercise—as a general reminder for us when we’re having a bad day, but also as a perspective keeper. Just because the moment might seem difficult, the bigger picture might point to some other truths about our lives and relationships.

I remember reading somewhere a long time ago about something that I now often integrate into my work with clients and also make use of in my own life. Often we think that in order to behave differently, or to make different choices in life, we have to feel different first. For example, if I want to spend more quality time with my child, I need to wait for that warm loving feeling before I can expect myself to pursue time with her. The truth is, attitudes and feelings often follow behaviors (which turns our original assumption inside out!).

For example, if I want to feel warm and loving toward my child, it might take me spending intentional quality time with her in order for those feelings to well up inside of me. Think about how this can apply to a variety of our life situations—our marriages, workplaces, community connections, etc. I think that the gratitude challenge that I see people engaging in supports this idea even more.

What are you thankful for today, this month, or this season? When you think about this, how does it affect your current emotions?

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

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I was perusing the magazine area of Barnes and Noble the other day, which I consider to be quite a treat. On a hot summer afternoon, I can think of few things that are as relaxing for me as some down time at a bookstore, drinking iced coffee, with no particular agenda in mind. While I was there, I picked up the most recent issue of Psychology Today, which included an article on developing a happy and healthy family. The article listed several suggestions that, when  present, can lead to greater family satisfaction, where each member feels a sense of security and significance within the family.

Some of these suggestions are ones we’ve all heard before, but still get at the heart of what builds family bonds and togetherness. Some ideas included sharing family meals, which provide opportunity for conversation and even problem solving together. Another suggestion was building rituals and routines together, including simple rituals such as having pancakes on Saturday mornings, or always singing the same song to your little ones before bed. Also emphasized was having fun and laughing together.

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