I was sitting with a couple this week, listening to them summarize their main frustrations about their relationship. “She just takes everything I have to say as criticism, even if I’m just asking her about her day” he said. She responded, “Well, I’m so frustrated with you that you just don’t get me, you’re only interested in proving your point all the time.”

How many of us can relate to how this couple is feeling? Last week, I blogged about the necessity of tough conversations—how they are almost unavoidable and require a lot of thought when we want them to turn out well. One step toward this is to stop blaming and begin sharing our point of view, realizing it might change if we really seek to understand the other person involved. My session with this couple this past week is also an example of how criticism so easily sets up these tough talks for failure.

Is criticism present in your relationships? Do you resort to criticizing your partner or your child when you are frustrated or feel misunderstood? When you feel like you’ve been criticized, how do you typically respond (anger, the silent treatment, tears?). Let’s take a closer look…

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Ugh. Have you ever felt a pit deep inside of your stomach as you’ve thought about having a difficult conversation? Thinking about asking your boss for a raise but know how she gets irritated easily? Wanting to talk with your child’s teacher about concerns over how your child has been treated in class? Knowing that things are not the same between you and your best friend and you probably need to talk about that elephant in the room? Enter nausea, right? Mustering up the courage to have these types of conversations is really tough. And feeling confident about how to have them can be even harder. Sometimes it’s easier to think about avoiding the person, place, or thing for a while, hoping it all blows over. But you know it probably won’t.

Here’s a simple little rule that I use and recommend when thinking about whether to avoid or confront a difficult issue. A while back, one of my friends introduced me to her “three day rule” for friendships. In a friendship, if something in a friendship or important relationship is bothering her or nagging at her for more than three days, she knows it needs to be addressed. I think that in a marriage, a “24 hour rule” is a healthy barometer of letting something go or addressing it with your spouse. After you decide if the issue or concern is something you can truly let go of (or not), then it is time to figure out how to have the conversation.

Often, when we have a tough talk with someone, we want to prove something, we want to send a very clear message. This backfires when the person we are talking with feels attacked and gets defensive. The conversation often ends with both people feeling misunderstood and frustrated, even angry. The key to approaching a hard conversation in a way that sets it up for success is to invite the other person in to the conversation with us—to move away from blame. Sharing your point of view and feelings is important and so is understanding that how we view the problem could change if we truly seek to understand the other’s point of view. Realizing that each person brings different realities and understandings of the same event to the conversation can help in figuring out solutions together.

In coming blogs, I’ll talk more about the elements of having that tough talk. In the meantime, think about the challenging conversations that you’ve had or think you might need to have. What has worked? What hasn’t worked? What are questions you have when thinking about how to bring up something difficult with someone in your life?

For more details on this, check out this book.

And, for more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

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Have you ever experienced a problem that has you end up feeling trapped, like there is no way out? Do you end up stewing, thinking about, and focusing on this struggle from day to day, leaving you feeling even more discouraged? Maybe you feel trapped in your job, experience frustration and misunderstanding in a relationship, or are upset at yourself for gaining some pounds over the past couple of years. Perhaps it’s just that the summer and change in routine has you spinning. Do you feel disorganized, depressed, overwhelmed?

I know how easy it is to focus on these concerns, to experience thoughts and feelings that consistently come back to the struggle you are experiencing. The focus is on the problem…day after day…this in itself can be overwhelming and discouraging.

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Two tips that I discovered a while back have really been helpful for me in my own relationships and in my work with individuals and families. Since we’ve started this conversation about communication, it’s timely for me to pass these tips along to you!

Some of the latest information by a leading researcher on relationships suggests that there are two factors that influence the success of conversations in relationships. His research focused on marriages, but these concepts are ones you can also keep in mind when you are communicating with family members and friends. This is how change and growth can happen in your relationships, starting with you.

1.    Soft start up- How do you bring up a concern, a feeling, or a question to others? Do you blindside them with anger? Do you get so frustrated that it leaks out of you at the worst times? Are you sarcastic or critical? If so, a soft start up is something you might want to consider. A soft start up simply means that you bring your requests, needs, desires, and concerns to others in a way that is not full of criticism and blaming, but of respectfulness and honesty. Think—calm, cool, collected.

2.    Allow yourself to be influenced- If we were honest with ourselves, I think most of us would admit that we want to be right most of the time. It’s tough to recognize that we each have a lot to learn, and there are times when we develop an opinion or reach a conclusion without having the full story. To allow yourself to be influenced means to work on our tendency to be defensive in our conversations, to recognize we each have our ‘blind spots.’ This also means that there could be something we could learn from another person’s perspective on the situation—a perspective that might even have the potential to change our own. Try it sometime!

It’s my hope that these tips will be helpful to you—I’d love to hear your thoughts and efforts with them!

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

Photo courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/yendieu/645622700/

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I saw a client a while back who came to see me because she felt constantly misunderstood—by her partner, her children, her boss. She felt frustrated, sad, and even angry about this. It was really affecting her life and she was wondering how she could change some of these relationships.

We worked together to recognize how she could begin making some of these changes.  I want to pass along where we started together, what I consider to be one of the keys in making any changes that involve relationships (which are most changes!). It can be a very difficult concept to integrate into your life, even though the idea is very simple., but once you do, it can bring a sense of freedom to your relationships. Before we have a conversation about communication, I think it’s important to share…

The key is: You are only responsible for…YOU.

That’s it. Easy, right? Simple to take this and run with it? Well, it doesn’t always work out that way, at least from my experience.

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The other day, I received a “wrong number” text message on my phone. Have any of you ever gotten one of these? This is the first time I have. This one read:

“U don’t deserve ur beautiful room.

I refuse to clean it.

No more money handed over to u unless things change this summer.”

Whoa! After a couple seconds of wondering if this was meant for me, realizing there was no way this was the case, and then feeling slightly embarrassed for the sender, I texted back “wrong number” and received an immediate “sorry.”
I am assuming that this text was sent from a parent to their teenage child. I can only imagine the conversations (or conflict) that surrounded this message.  In a way, I was let in to the realities of this relationship that are probably not otherwise shared, even in my therapy office. This was a real interaction.

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Mother’s Day is this Sunday—what a wonderful opportunity to share with the women who have loved and raised us what they mean to us (I love you, Mom!). For many this day will be one of joy—meals together, cards and gifts, celebrations, or sharing heartfelt sentiments.

For others, it is a painful time of missing a loved one, remembering a painful childhood, or grieving a lost hope of becoming a parent…I realize that each holiday brings a variety of emotions depending on your own journey.

Mother’s Day and the opportunity it brings to communicate with our moms has got me thinking about how we talk with our moms and people in our lives that have played a significant role . How do we share what we think and feel? It can often feel like a clumsy process! Experts agree that verbal communication can fall into a variety of categories …where do you find yourself most often?

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This past weekend on Where You Live, Maranda hosted a wonderful event that focused on the importance of talking with your tween or teen about inner beauty. I know that many parents agree that this topic is important, especially in today’s culture, but may be thinking to themselves “Where do I even begin talking to my child? They just don’t open up!”

Does this conversation sound familiar?

Mom: “Hey Honey, how was your day?”

Twelve year old daughter: “Fine.” (says while texting)

Mom: “You want to tell me anything about it?”

Twelve year old daughter: “Not really…what’s for dinner?”

END…….OF..….CONVERSATION!

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