It is heart breaking when clients share with me how they have been intentionally tormented or hurt by their peers. It damages self esteem, affects school performance, and provides many challenges for victims of bullying throughout their lives.

As parents and concerned adults, we have the ability to equip the children in our lives with alternative ways to respond to bullying behavior. Without options, children will often shut down, feel confused, and ashamed. Sometimes bullied children practice this behavior on others as a way to defend themselves. Some children give in and become fearful and timid. Children typically will not offer information to adults regarding how they are being taunted or made fun of by their peers.

Encouraging and practicing assertive responses with your child and helping them understand the difference between being assertive and being fearful or mean back to the bully can be helpful for children. Building assertiveness helps build self confidence in the face of challenging situations.  Here are some ways that you can encourage children to practice assertiveness in their responses to being bullied or watching this type of behavior:

• Take a deep breath before responding
• Stand up tall, look the bully in the eye
• Respond directly and to the point
• Speak with a calm voice, using statements such as: “You are just trying to make me mad, so I’m going to play somewhere else.” Or “I don’t like what you are saying to (my friend)—let’s leave.” Or “This is my place in line, not yours. I’m staying here.”
• Having children practice these responses at home (in role plays with you as the parent or your encouragement for them to practice it with siblings) is a way to begin to nurture this behavior.

What have your experiences been with this issue? How are you encouraging children in your life to stand up for themselves and others?  Let’s work together to equip our children around this concern.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

I’m sure many of you have set goals about improving fitness and exercising more frequently. Perhaps your body is something that brings negative thoughts to mind and you want that to change. Dieting and diet related products are a forty billion dollar a year industry—this speaks loudly to the truth that you are not alone—many people want their bodies to change!

It is very easy to be critical of ourselves–especially when we’ve set goals that aren’t turning out the way we had hoped. Thoughts of “I’m failing at this too” or “I knew that I would mess up, what’s my problem” start to take over the adrenaline and motivation we were experiencing a couple of weeks ago.

I want to encourage you to re-focus. Not just by doing more, by checking off that daily workout on your to do list, but by focusing on what is going on inside of you. Allow yourself to tune in to the chatter inside of your mind. Take a moment to ask yourself if the way that you talk to yourself is helpful and encouraging—to you and to others. When we are self critical, we often become more critical of others.

Attempting to re-focus might look something like this…if a typical thought of yours in response to a recently set goal is “I knew I wouldn’t be able to do this, why am I even trying,” attempt to put the feeling that underlies that comment into a statement that is self affirming and motivating. This could include statements like “This is hard, and I am learning how to be determined.” Another example could be “The effort put into this change is helping me become a stronger person.” Getting away from self criticism can be one of the first steps at becoming successful with the goals we set for ourselves.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

1. When you set a goal, it’s helpful to focus on the process, not just the goal itself. For example, if you are trying to get into better physical shape, focusing on steps like “I’m going to work out three times per week” or “I’m going to eat one portion of dessert instead of two” can be more easily achieved than “I’m going to lose 20 pounds.”
2. Recognize what is realistic given your stage of life and other commitments. One helpful saying that I heard a long time ago is “You might be able to have it all, just not all at once.” If you are working full time and have teens at home, it might be difficult to accomplish a goal that involves a lot of extra time and energy! If you have an aging parent you are caring for, it may be unrealistic to develop a lot of new friendships over the coming months. If you are going through a very difficult transition, right now might not be the time to quit smoking. When you set goals, be real with yourself and allow for the possibility that the goal might need to be reset along the way.
3. Check in with your values when you are setting goals. It is often more motivating to work towards something when it clearly reflects a value of yours or feels purposeful to you. When you examine ways that you would like to be challenged this coming year, it is helpful to ask yourself how your pursuits line up with your values and beliefs. For example, how does going back to school line up with your broader values of work and purpose? Or, how does beginning a date night with your spouse reflect the importance you put on the strength of your marriage and family? I’m sure you can think of some examples too…

I wish each of you a healthy, safe, and joyful 2012. Even if you aren’t a New Year’s resolution fan, remember that goal setting and personal growth can happen any time of year!

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

The truth is, it is very easy to slip into selfishness this time of year. Thoughts of “what do I want?” become more and more common and without realizing, become woven into the fabric of family life. There is a way to move beyond this line of thinking, to model to our children and have part of our family life involve being focused on others, rather than just ourselves. Encouraging our children to become involved in the community, in a cause, in a relationship with others who have real and tangible needs is a way to move towards becoming others focused, rather than “me focused.” Our culture doesn’t really encourage us in this way—the messages of “buy me” and “satisfy yourself” are absolutely everywhere. We absorb these messages with rarely a second thought.

So, getting children involved in community service opportunities is a way to even out the off balance thinking and acting that we might default towards this season. Doing so as a family has the most powerful, long term effects and also creates the most positive perspective for children around the issue of giving. There are opportunities all around that we can see if we are attuned to them: gift baskets you can put together as a family, children that you can “sponsor” financially through reputable organizations, meals that you can serve to people who would otherwise have not, etc etc etc.

Check out “Where you Live” this weekend, as Maranda will highlight even more ways that families can move from “me” to “us and others” this holiday season.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org

So, here are some tips of encouragement for you as you enter this week with your family members who might be challenging to spend time around…

• Recognize what is within your control: YOU! Reminding yourself of what is in and out of your control is important so you don’t expend all of your energy trying to change someone else’s behavior. If you are frustrated, take some space. If you are irritated that you are providing a full turkey dinner for a party of 20, request that others each bring a dish. Realizing what you are in control of empowers you and helps you spend your energy in the most useful way.

• Put some structure into all the downtime. What are your plans after the big dinner? For some families, this is time to sit around for many hours, and is often when irritations with each other can surface. Maybe difficult topics of conversation happen or a family member’s habits or patterns begin to take over the time together. Putting a simple structure in place can keep things moving and reduce frustrations that can happen with idle space. For example: after the big dinner, taking a walk together, playing group games or board games, or watching a movie can be ways to engage time well.

• Realize that all emotions are fair game. As people, we experience a broad range of emotions and just because we are getting together with family does not mean we can temporarily get rid of the uncomfortable ones. Going into time with family realizing that you are probably going to experience some negative emotions helps you be prepared and also can help you in having a game plan with how you’ll respond to these emotions. For example, instead of having a full conversation about the political differences between you and your uncle, perhaps you recognize when anxiety about this is surfacing and choose to politely excuse yourself from the conversation. Awareness of your emotions and owning your own responses to these emotions is one of the keys to healthier more satisfying relationships.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org

An anxiety disorder, or a problem with anxiety that would benefit from additional support and care, is chronic anxiety that persists when you focus on two or more stressful life circumstances. Sometimes, because of these circumstances, anxiety will hang around for a while and then return to what feels more familiar to you. Other times, it just doesn’t go away. Anxiety disorders can develop at any age and can be aggravated by life events. Anxiety is often associated with certain fears: fears of losing control, failure, rejection, or even fears of illness or death.

If you are experiencing at least three of the following six symptoms, it might be time to recognize the effects anxiety is having on you and your relationships, and get the support you need to feel better.

Do you experience:

• Being easily fatigued
• Difficulty concentrating on a task or at work
• Irritability beyond what is considered normal for you
• Muscle tension (this could be in your jaw, shoulders, back, neck)
• Difficulties with sleep (falling asleep or staying asleep)
• Feeling restless

One of the first steps towards getting health is to own the truth of what is going on for you…I challenge you to be honest with yourself today and do just that. And next time, I’ll share some specific strategies for responding to your worry and anxiety. Feel free to comment with questions!

For additional information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org/.

Holidays are a wonderful time to connect as a family. Building “rituals” of connection are one of the keys to creating and maintaining a strong and healthy bond as a family. A “ritual” is something that each family member can identify as happening when it does and would be able to say that it is something that is predictable, expected, and fosters closeness as a family.

What types of rituals do you hold as a family—on normal days, on holidays, at special events or milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc)? Rituals go beyond just the daily routines, as they are set apart from every day expectations, but they don’t have to be complicated or take a lot of time or money. Rituals can be as simple as having pancakes every Saturday morning, or hanging streamers from the birthday boy or girl’s bedroom door on their special day to celebrate them when they wake up. Part of building a strong, or intentional, family includes thinking about what is important to you and how you might pass these values along to each family member through rituals.

What are your ideas? What rituals do you already hold? Sometimes the most helpful aspect of generating ideas is to share our own experiences with each other.

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org

• Struggle with depression and have difficulty feeling like you can experience joy
• Have ADHD that makes school really difficult
• Have relationship challenges due to bipolar disorder
• Drink too much and your family is concerned
• Have a hard time keeping a job because of anxiety
• Have panic attacks that have affected your ability to work toward your goals

These are just a couple of examples that show how our mental health impacts our daily lives. This week (October 2-8) is Mental Health Awareness Week. Check out this website and find out more about what it means to become educated about mental health as well as what you can do to fight the stigma that comes with mental illness that so often is found in media, among friends, at schools, and in our communities. There is something you can do to create more of a welcoming and caring atmosphere for those who struggle—and this connection and desire to be understood and valued  is at the heart of all of us.

If you (or someone you know) would benefit from support and professional help, in order to improve mental health, please check out http://www.pinerest.org/ to take the first step towards taking care of yourself.

There definitely is a code of secrecy among teen peers. To be discovered as someone who passes along sensitive information to their own parents is one of the worst things imaginable for any teen. Due to their developmental stage, putting priorities in order of safety first, relationship second, is almost impossible. Encouraging your teen to be open with you and share sensitive information is not a one conversation situation. Opening dialogue into difficult topics is something that takes patience and consistency. Teens can smell a “nosey” parent a mile away and usually will try to keep that distance permanent!

So, to open up this dialogue there a couple of things to remember. First, teens talk when they want to, not only when you are ready for them to! Avoiding investigative type questions that puts pressure on them to divulge will do the opposite of what you are hoping for. Instead, opening up time—drive time, around the kitchen time, hanging out watching TV time, where you can ask open ended questions (“How’s your friend doing?” or “I heard that your friend is having some issues, what have you heard?”) to see what your child is comfortable sharing is a good place to start. If your teen seems closed off, it’s a pretty good signal that some more time for this type of dialogue is necessary so that you can gain a footing of what’s going on in their inner world. Also, showing them through experience that they can trust you with sensitive information is also helpful. Are you an effective secret keeper? Working on this is also a good place to start. At lastly, I encourage contact with your teen’s social circles. Even if this means doing things you don’t particular enjoy—getting into their environment is a crucial way to know who’s who and to discover more of who you teen is when they are with their friends. As you get to know the secrets your teen holds, you build relationship with them and also come to a greater understanding of when it might be called for to take action in keeping others in your teen’s life safe.

For more information on behavioral health issues or to seek assistance, go to http://www.pinerest.org/.

In my line of work, I get to hear a lot of people’s secrets—the not so fun and exciting ones–deep, dark, personal things that they might have never voiced to anyone before. For some reason, the safety of knowing that what they share is confidential, and having the time I share with them being somewhat separate from the other parts of their life fosters some of that openness. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it doesn’t happen before someone is finished coming to see me, because it’s just too tough to share. Secrets—most of us have them. Most of us keep them to ourselves.

What I know to be true about secrets is that they can be powerful. They can cause someone to feel a lot of shame inside. Even when not spoken, family secrets can repeat themselves from generation to generation (just taking a look at family history and patterns reveals this). Secrets can make us feel like we aren’t worthy of love, of connection with others. We feel alone and isolated. It’s pretty amazing when a dark secret is released in the safety and trust of a supportive relationship. This can lead to healing, to moving beyond the hold that something like this has on a person.

Do you have a secret? Does it have a hold on you? Would sharing this mean taking a risk that might actually draw you closer to others in your life? Are you someone who could handle hearing the secrets of others—being non judgmental, open, and warm? What might it take for you to move towards this type of risk taking and connection building with others in your life?

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.