Secrets

Posted Sep 20th 2011 10:18 AM by Kristin Kuiper for Pine Rest
Filed under: Healing Moments, Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services
Tags: emotional health, Parenting, personal growth, secrets

One of my children is in the stage where secret keeping is fun. “Tell me a secret, Mom!” is something she tells me often, and most frequently in order to help her feel like she has a one up on her sister (I think!). Secrets can be fun—anticipating sharing something special can be exciting. I remember when my husband and I held the secret that we were pregnant—it was so wonderful to watch the reactions on our family and friends faces when we shared this. Indeed, secrets reveal varied emotions in us.

In my line of work, I get to hear a lot of people’s secrets—the not so fun and exciting ones–deep, dark, personal things that they might have never voiced to anyone before. For some reason, the safety of knowing that what they share is confidential, and having the time I share with them being somewhat separate from the other parts of their life fosters some of that openness. Sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes it doesn’t happen before someone is finished coming to see me, because it’s just too tough to share. Secrets—most of us have them. Most of us keep them to ourselves.

What I know to be true about secrets is that they can be powerful. They can cause someone to feel a lot of shame inside. Even when not spoken, family secrets can repeat themselves from generation to generation (just taking a look at family history and patterns reveals this). Secrets can make us feel like we aren’t worthy of love, of connection with others. We feel alone and isolated. It’s pretty amazing when a dark secret is released in the safety and trust of a supportive relationship. This can lead to healing, to moving beyond the hold that something like this has on a person.

Do you have a secret? Does it have a hold on you? Would sharing this mean taking a risk that might actually draw you closer to others in your life? Are you someone who could handle hearing the secrets of others—being non judgmental, open, and warm? What might it take for you to move towards this type of risk taking and connection building with others in your life?

For more information on behavioral health issues, or to seek assistance, go to www.pinerest.org.

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Applepie145

Thank you for answering my question.
Kristin Kuiper

Thank you for your question--it is such a difficulty that parents face here, especially since there is such a "Code of Secrecy" for teens/tweens when it comes to peer behavior. I would like to address this more in depth in my next blog post as I'm sure others share the same challenges! So, take a look later this week!
Applepie145

This is a great topic. How would you suggest we talk to our tween and teenage kids about the importance of sharing secrets they or their friends might have that could be dangerous or harmful?

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Kristin Kuiper, MSW LMSW

I am clinical social worker with Pine Rest Christian Mental Health Services. I work with individuals, couples and families at the Caledonia Clinic and I also see students at Davenport University. I graduated from Calvin College, where I now teach as an adjunct instructor, and completed my graduate work at Michigan State University (go Spartans!). As a therapist, I work with a wide range of people and issues, which I find both energizing and challenging. Being a therapist is one of my passions, but not my only. On the home front, I have been married for ten years to an amazing man and have three young energetic children. To seek balance and have some fun, I also enjoy running, having coffee with friends, reading, frequenting local restaurants, and living in my Eastown neighborhood. My blog entries will reflect my various roles, experiences, and interests.